My alarm went off at 3am on Saturday morning. I quickly hopped into the shower, got dressed and kissed the HH goodbye. BE CAREFUL he yelled… (as he pretty much always does anytime I head out the door). I will… YOU BE CAREFUL I said annoyingly… And stay out of trouble too!
I parked my car, took a picture of my parking spot on my phone and headed into the airport to print my boarding pass. As I took my (crappy) center seat on the plane I sat motionless as I eyed every single passenger walk down the aisle. Sitting in the center seat on any airplane is a crap shoot. And this time… I lost. BIG TIME.
In a matter of 45 seconds I found myself suddenly sandwiched between a rather large woman who should have bought an extra seat and another woman who (I would bet my house) had not showered in AT LEAST 2 WEEKS. Plus… she had a child with her. I heard the flight attendant ask her how old the baby was and the woman said 2. All the while I’m thinking 2 what? 2 years 11 months and 29 days? Huh lady? Are you freaking kidding me? I want to see some proof.
As the doors were about to close I turned to the woman to my right and asked her if she had any Vick’s Vapor rub. TO STICK UP MY NOSE. She just shook her head helplessly and stared at the 2 year 11 month and 29 day old child kicking me and said Sorry… I don’t, and then she looked out the window.
I think I sat there another 5 minutes before making a b-line to the back of the plane. I calmly asked the male flight attendant if there were any available seats and if so could I have one because I was stuck next to Mrs. Stinky and being kicked and I felt like I was going to throw up if I had to sit there the entire flight.
He looked genuinely concerned, and moved me to the last row of seats on the plane. This time I was stuck between Marky Marky and some Gangsta dude. At least they didn’t smell. So I was okay with it. Plus I could tell that Gangsta dude would have pummelled Marky Marky if he got too chatty… So I felt at the very least I would be able to sit in a quite row with a neutral order and no kicking (or so I hoped).
Then, as the plane started to taxi down the runway… My new boyfriend, the flight attendant said, Excuse me Miss… I found you an aisle seat, grab your bag.
As I settled into my aisle seat (with an empty middle seat) I noticed the man in my row (next to the window)…sleeping. Ahhh… Peace at last I thought. And as I took a deep breath to soak in my good luck I smiled as the plane took off.
And then smelled it.
I had been moved diagonally across from Mrs. Stinky.
And let’s not forget these three related stories too:
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